‘Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the workplace
Not a creature was working, including the jerkface
Whose mistletoe hung by the copier in hopes
That a unplanned encounter might lead to some gropes.
Each worker was drinking, away from his desk,
And eating hors d’oeuvres that were rather grotesque.
My work spouse and I gabbed alone, as we’d planned
Since we were the only folks either could stand,
When out in the lobby arose such a tiswas
I sprang from the corner to see what was the biz was.
I ran past the cheese tray and bottle-filled barrels,
The antler-decked drones singing out-of-tune carols,
The hot shots whose “thank yous” were nowhere near hearty,
All the trash from our Christivuskwanzaakah party —
When abruptly my sleep-deprived eyes then espied,
A gray flannel suit, with a tyrant inside!
And beside him, my boss was so meek and compliant,
I knew right away it was our biggest client!
More rabid than beagles, he cursed like a sailor,
And he ranted, and shouted, and my boss just grew paler:
“You’ve had almost 3 weeks now, and you want 2 more?
What the hell do you think that I hired you for?
Get this done by the deadline! If this deal falls through,
Then I’m leaving this firm and I’ll blame it on you!”
Then he turned on his heel and he walked out the door.
My boss was left standing forlorn on the floor,
‘Til he saw me, and said, “Hey, it’s Christmas, my friend!
Help me out! There’s a Nutcracker I must attend!
I promised my family I’d take them this year –
But tomorrow’s the deadline! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his boss fingers squeezing my shoulder,
“You can do this tonight,” and he picked up a folder
And he said, “This has all information required
Draft those contracts by morning, or else you’ll be fired!”
And he left me alone with that 3-inch-thick file
Thinking, “Business and Christmas – No reason to smile!
All the forced camaraderie, pressure, and beer,
Thank God it just happens for one month a year!”
As I let loose a volley of vicious invective
A voice from behind me said, “You need perspective!”
I turned, and then there was our ex-CEO –
The last time I’d seen him was ages ago.
His appearance there made me a little bit frightened.
His skin – how it wrinkled! His whiskers, how whitened!
Like a wispy cadaver or skeletal elf,
And I gasped when I saw him, in spite of myself
“I can tell you’re astonished to see me,” he said,
“Did you think I’d retired?” “I thought you were dead!”
He chuckled, and then snatched the docs from my hand
And as he looked through them said, “First, understand
Your boss is a moron, no matter the season
So why gripe at Christmas? There’s really no reason.
Don’t expect miracles. Just take a minute
To appreciate life and the pleasant things in it –
You’ve a job, you have friends, and now you have a shot
At showing this customer just what you’ve got!”
Then my work spouse came by, and the three of us crafted
A much better deal than my boss could have drafted
Which we then sent by e-mail so the client would get it
First thing in the morning, and we’d get the credit.
As we left, the ex-CEO said with good cheer,
“Happy Christmas to all! And do not spend it here!”